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Living the Single Parent life…

Heyyy yoooo!

Soooo a little background for tonight’s blog post. For those that have read my first blog post (Hi its me! pub: 1/7/18) you will know that I am married with 3 kids. What I don’t think I mentioned is that my 2 older children are from previous relationship. I was single for 8 years between the relationship with my boys biological and my hubs. In that time I was independant. My Nan lived nearby and did what she could to support me but otherwise I was on my own with my 2 boys. My Mum lived 100 miles away so she was phone support where she could be. The boys grandparents stayed in touch and although we had some rough times we eventually figured it out and had a great relationship from then on. In fact, they were invited to my wedding and they are even kind enough to help out with visiting my Nan now that she is in a home with not a lot of people around to visit. It was a hard period of my life for all the obvious single Mum reasons plus I had a lot of mental health issues that I had to seek treatment for and unknowingly I had fibromyalgia too.

So that leads me to todays blog post flavour. Mat left for America this morning. It’s a work trip that he will be gone for a week. It is officially the longest we will have been away from each other since I moved to Coventry in 2011. Obviously I was away for the best part of 3 weeks when Mum died last month but it wasn’t a solid block of time that I didn’t see him for and I was backwards and forwards a bit as I couldn’t be away from my kids for that long without forgetting I had a reason to live. If it isn’t clear Mat is not just any husband. He is, apart from all that soppy stuff I should say like… he’s my best friend… soul mate… my reflection in the water etc. etc. (I don’t have to say it for it to be true), the best team mate. In a nut shell… he is a true equal.

It’s gonna be tough effectively going back to being a lone parent for a week, but, I have promised myself I am going to blog everyday. Effectively, this blog will be my hubs for the week. Plus, if I don’t get to speak to Mat much over the week then at least he will have this to read when he is awake and I am asleep across the other side of the world. A few thousand miles won’t stop him from knowing about our days.

Day 1

So each day I list 3-4 things that I must achieve that day. This helps me keep focused and a lot of the time I get more than them things done but at least I don’t beat myself up too much on days that I don’t get anything more done. Today’s 4 were… To finish the book I was reading (A Murder of Magpies by Mark Edwards); Get through the huge pile of washing up (normally a hubs job); Do a food plan and online food shop; Do my day 1 blog post… I am exhausted from being poorly earlier on in the week and the last couple of days have been busy so I have only really done one load of washing and obviously focused on playing with Isobel (it’s a hard old life). I also wanted to get Isobel bathed and her rat tail hair thoroughly brushed but she wanted her bed before I had the chance to do that so that will have to be a job for tomorrow. I didn’t have to leave the house today (other than to walk the dog which I did in my pj’s with my nice big warm coat over the top). I’m hoping I have a little more energy tomorrow to get a little more done. Anyway, it’s 9:15… way passed my bedtime!

As my Nan used to say…

Goodnight and God Bless xx

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Are the 5 stages of grief wrong… or am I?

So anyone who has read my previous blog post, or indeed, knows me in real life, knows that my Mum died recently (19th September 2018). The last 4 weeks have been the craziest; saddest; angriest; loneliest; emptiest and most broken time of my life. I don’t see that changing anytime soon… but I hope and pray that I will learn to mimic a substantial life again soon. “fake it til you make it” is the idea.

Before I continue… Everything below is my truth… my opinion and not to be taken as others opinions or thoughts. There are sections where I discuss my view of my Mums life… A lot of which she has not said and is obviously not able to confirm or deny. It’s dodgy ground to talk about but I hope that reading my innermost thoughts in this time of grief may help someone else through. My mum sacrificed herself for others many times and I feel confident that she would be ok with me sharing… but again I can’t know for sure until I hopefully make it through the gates of heaven and she either greets me with a slap or smile.

I was told by someone recently that I was effectively doing this all wrong. Verbatim… they were “disappointed” to see me “using such bad coping mechanisms”. This was said to hurt me for whatever reasons they decided were acceptable. Before I go on I want to make it clear that I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or take a side… as I had mine and my families best interest at heart in my reply. It’s added another sadness but one thing I can take strength from is that not everyone will get you in life. Equally the same in reverse…. I am not always going to get other people either. I think we get a little hung up on who we should be close to in life and sometimes this means we hang on to relationships way passed the point of it no longer being kind to them or yourself to try. It is sad in this case and Mum would not like it… but she would want both of us to live as happy a life as possible… with or without each others presence.

So the point of telling you that was so you had the back story… the what motivated my questioning posed in the title of this blog.

My Mum as I likely previously mentioned… was my biggest fan. She had a lot of struggles in her life but she was always happiest cheerleading one of her 4 kids on. Even if she felt that we were doing something the wrong or hard way… she would never actually tell you that. Her way was to suggest other ways to combat difficulties you found along the way. She let us learn (sometimes) the hard way. Failure was ok in her eyes because there was always something to learn from that…. a way to grow… a way to forge forward. It paid off… we’re all doing pretty good in our pursuits in life.

We didn’t always have a close relationship. For a long time I was living without contact with her due to the left over effects of my dad being a damaging force in my Mum and us kids lives growing up. I felt that she should have protected us… chosen us over him. This did not happen… but again this isn’t to make you feel any negativity. It was a childs view that I lived with for many years. I struggled to get past the effects of these experiences. I struggled to see the view points of others (in particular my Mum… who likely suffered the worst). I had to hit rock bottom and then climb back out from the hole of anxiety and depression. It took years of treatment and in some ways is an ongoing process even today. I forgave my Mum a long time ago but I don’t think she ever forgave herself. She covered herself well. She was an expert at showing the world only what she thought that person or group wanted to see. Including me a lot of the time. I on the other hand do not have that same ability. I am mostly still hiding from the world because this all so dramatic.

I would say the turning point for my Mum and I was when I graduated from University. The last couple of years in particular we had made great strides and had become much closer. She was so massively supportive of my Christian journey and we often talked about our own faith with each other. Her faith had suffered and in some writing of hers I found while clearing her house I found a passage in one of her writings that worded clearly what she had described to me over a few conversations. I believe that she may have never been able to feel his grace here on earth. If this is true then I can only feel happy that she has that peace now. I will always miss her and never be happy for myself and my kids that we have to now be without her until our times come… but there is some peace in there somewhere.

“There was once a girl that God forgot. She tried so hard to make things right. Balancing needs and heart and might. But this was the Girl that God forgot.

There was once a woman that God forgot. She loved so well, too well he said. This is the woman that man rejected… And God forgot.

This is the story of lost love….

A story of the nothing that God forgot.”

~ Chris Simms (undated)

So I think most people have some awareness of the term “5 stages of grief”. This term is what I Ecosia’d (the search engine I use… check it out… they plant trees!) when I had sufficiently tortured myself enough with the idea that I am doing this whole grief process wrong. Between that and searching my bible and praying in Jesus name to give me clarity and peace…. I came across a useful article in Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/supersurvivors/201707/why-the-five-stages-grief-are-wrong

Along with other sources and things I have realised about myself in the torture process. I have come to accept that the “emptiness” I feel now is simply the 5 stages of grief not bombarding me all at once which is what was happening for the first couple of weeks. This idea that they are clear cut and well ordered… is not my experience at all. The overwhelming nature of shock has to be factored in too. No one knew this was going to happen. There was no warning or last chance to say I love you. I can’t imagine that having warning makes it easier but I can imagine that the shock of it happening manifests differently.

Ultimately, we’re all different and I can’t think that it is possible to do grief wrong. There are things I do wrong but that is not one of them. Each person feels grief differently and that’s ok. Losing someone close to you is likely the hardest thing to live with. It’s something (like parenting; mental illness and other health problems) you can’t begin to know until it happens… even then each experience has differences because lets face it… if we were all the same life would be boring and there would be no forging for humanity.

I would like to leave you with a poem she identified with by one of her favourite poets…

To God

By Robert Herrick

Lord, I am like, to the mistletoe,

Which has no root and cannot grow

Or prosper, but by that same tree

It clings about: so I by thee.

What need I fear then to fear at all

So long as I about thee crawl?

But if that tree should fall and die,

Tumble shall heaven, and so downwill I.

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My Mum Died

The title words are the hardest words to accept. In order to say or write it I have to somehow pretend to myself that its not real. My Mum dyeing is too massive a concept for my brain to completely register and it has taken 17 days to get to the place I can write this. 17 days I have lived without my Meems. 17 days I haven’t been able to see her smile; have a conversation; be comforted or share joy.

I honestly did not realise how big a part of my everyday existence my Meems was until she died. We haven’t had the easiest of relationships and I often felt on my guard with her. With that thing called hindsight though I realise it was the purest love and one of the strongest connections in my life. It’s going to take a long time (if ever) to heal that regret of not dissolving completely that barrier between us. The regret that I should have been here helping her move and therefore would have likely been with her when she died or even been able to get her to a hospital in time to be saved. I know I shouldn’t be even thinking these things as she would not be blaming me and she certainly hadn’t been asking me for my help. I certainly don’t know how possible it would have been to save her even.

Her existence the last couple of years had gradually declined in terms of her quality of life. She had many health conditions that imapcted her daily life and although all were not deemed life threatening… they were life altering. The day before she died she was at the hospital starting the process for getting a gastric band. She was always trying something for the symptoms of her ME and she made sure she was taking medication for her blood pressure and thyroid condition. She had arthritis too. She struggled with depression quite severly at many times over her life. All this would likely be a surprise to many as she always did her best to shine a positive attitude. She made people smile and feel listened to and cared about. She always did her best to see what people needed and if she could provide it she would. She worked hard for charities over the years and often in silence as she wasn’t interested in the accolade. I think she felt unworthy of it and yet now all I want is to make her proud from heaven. To learn her lessons and appreciate the gift of her. I only wish I could have shown her in life the appreciation I have for her.

At 58 I really don’t think anyone expects to lose their Mum. She had survived so much that would have broken a lesser person. She had survived through 4 amazing but definitely challenging children. She had survived 2 abusive relationships. She had survived the heartbreak of losing 9 miscarriages/still births. She had been watching the decline of her mothers health through Parkinsons. She had been the rock for many challenegs that her children had faced. She never demanded our time but appreciated every bit of time given. She constantly tried to see the best in people that most would turn their backs to.

We bury her in a woodland burial this week. The process to sort out a funeral has been a challenge. Because she wasn’t expected to die she had to have a post mortem. The coroner was not helpful at all and refused to contact us so we had to chace them every step of the way. Then because of a delay getting her new bed (I refuse to use the C word) she was stuck in the hospital for 2 weeks. The hospital made it difficult for us to get in to see her and the funeral director ended up stepping in and helped us get in to see her. There was a rush for those of us that wanted to see her because she is having a eco friendly burial… which means no embalming. Mother Nature waits for no one! We have been lucky though because she clearly had good genes and still looks pretty amazing. She looks at peace now that shes in her new bed, but in the hospital she didn’t look very comfortable and it really wasn’t the kind environment she deserves.

She was my first nail client when I trained to do nails and she was even my model in my exam. Yesterday I did her nails for the last time. I painted them her favourite red with a gold holographic sparkle to match her overwhelming Love. I have made the decision to not do nails for even friends and family anymore. The reason being is that Mum was such an inspiration and so supportive of my career in nails. I get my creativity from her and right now that has gone with her. It’s going to take time for me to open that space back up.

I am also realising that many of my relationships have been false ones because many have been caring and supportive until I couldn’t do their nails. Losing my Meems has simply confirmed that people don’t have to like me but they do have to respect me. Show no respect I walk away… simple. It’s not just people I had considered friends but I have really opened my eyes to some family members too. It’s surprising the people that didn’t bother with my Meems when she was alive. yet now she has died suddenly they NEED to know what happened? whens the funeral? and have the right to open invite anyone who may want to come and gawp at the devastation. Neighbours who although talked to her and sent a lovely card to the family… contributed to her being stuck in her home because they opposed her being able to park her car in a place close enough to her house for her to actually use it. If they cared so much where were they when she needed them? This is a question we all have asked ourselves but the people that (in my opinion) should be kept at arms length are the ones that will say… not my responsibility and yet want to get in a gawp all the same.
She taught us to live life fearlessly. If we want something… go get it! If we want to study something new… go do it! If life knocks us down… Roar back and forge forward! Love with our whole hearts and Look for the bigger picture! Value people not things! Be kind… it costs nothing and erks them haters! I’ll no doubt continue to struggle with some of this but I promised her yesterday I would do my broken hearted best.

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Quasi-Quack

Hey yooooooo!

Earlier on this week I asked my facebook friends to choose words off a finished Scrabble board I had played while I had been on holiday (yes I did take a photo of my scrabble games and no I don’t care that is probably really sad). I said would turn those words into a short story. I have had so much fun doing this and I hope you guys enjoy this too. I ended up just starting the story…. I kinda think it may turn into a Novella or maybe even a full Novel Series….

Here are the words that were picked…

Healed (x2); Averts; Blots; Quasi; Hydrant; Ding; Foot; Druid; Ark; Job; Yew; Quack; Coo

I hope you enjoy!
Ding Foot Blots was a Druid and as he was waking to the sound of his alarm he felt his stomach was having a quasi coup against his diaphragm. The air was cool and, as the curtains floated in the weighty air coming from the window, Ding Foot remembered why he felt this way. The space around him was clarifying and the smell of his world burning around him hit his nostrils. His consciousness jerked into reality and he jumped to his feet ready to react… to what he didn’t know… what would be next?

As he looked around him he realised there was nothing left to save. Unless he wanted to save his now glassless window frame and his shredded curtains. He shook his head trying to salvage what was left of his brain function. He scanned himself to assess the damage done in the blast. He had been lucky it seemed… other than needing untattered clothes he had nothing to be healed…. Unless he had healed himself while unconcious.

He didn’t feel very lucky… he accepted that he hadn’t been the most legit Druid around, but he could not understand why his family had to suffer for that. He had failed at his job… they must think of him a quack. He walked to what was left of the window and took in the devastation…. What could he do now? What would happen to his family now they had been taken. Would he ever see them again? Feeling the shame and sadness he picked up the nearest thing that his hand found and threw it as hard as he could through the window frame. He aimed at the bust water hydrant across from his shell of a home. He watched as the lump of burnt something made contact with the unintended target down in the ruined street below… “Hummmmphhhharrgh” the Vermicious turned to see where the lump had originated. There was eye contact and the Vermicious (who was clearly some sort of cross between a rhino and a ptera human… maybe) let out a gentle coo… luckily for Ding Foot he new that soft, gentle coo was likely one of the most dangerous noises to hear… he ran.

As he left the back of the building he had no time to take in the new layout of the communal area that row of homes had shared. In the confusion he was unable to avert out of the way of the Yew tree as big as an Ark. Head first…. He saw stars as the Vermicious hurtled around the end of the row… “not now!” Ding Foot thought as the world went black once more…..

Love and Blessings, Loopy Laura xx

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A New Magic

Hey yoooooo!

Sooo it’s been a few weeks and I haven’t blogged. This has been for a few reasons but the biggest reason being that I quit my job. Yes, I have officially lost the plot… but luckily I’m finding my plot in the form of a book that I have started writing. I’m becoming an author. I do feel like I’m telling people I am becoming an actor. It isn’t as crazy as it sounds though because it had been my plan to do this for a while before I even mentioned it to anyone, and certainly a while before I quit my job. Although, the quitting my job wasn’t the plan until it became clear that it was.

Which leads me to what I want to share with you today…

Since I became Christian I’ve become aware of the guidance I get from Our Father. It’s always been a fairly subtle guidance; moments of clear thinking, a fairly instinctual thing. You could miss it if you weren’t paying attention. I did miss it for many years. Recently though something is different. I can’t figure out if I am just paying attention better or it’s surrounding myself with more positivity. Spending less time on social media and generally prioritising what I need as a human, to be happy and to be effective and affective in my own life and in those lives that count on me for something. I have been praying more and reading bits from the Bible too. Spending time contemplating and maybe all this openness is allowing me to hear better (oh the irony when I am supposed to wear hearing aids… Mum, I am wearing them, honest!).

Anyway, a few slightly spooky things have been happening that have amplified the guidance. Now this is where I worry about sharing. I know that skeptics – and I know enough of them – will either laugh and roll their eyes or they will be concerned for me. I don’t wish for that but nevertheless, it’s something I think about. I have decided to go ahead simply because it’s my truth and I’m sort of done with hiding the most important parts of myself away, simply for worry of what people may say or think. So this is it, where before guidance was subtle and almost completely internal, recently I have had external things happening. For example, I have a Bible app on my phone. It has been sending me a daily quote which at first was just a nice notification to get, then one day a couple of weeks ago I was sitting on my bed struggling with Fibro pain. I couldn’t have even told you what was hurting because it was as if the pain was a shuttle train riding the rails of my nerves; I didn’t know how I was going to go downstairs and carry on with my day. Next to me my phone buzzed and this quote flashed up on the screen:

“And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up.”

~ James, 5:15

So I prayed. Now I’m not going to be claiming to be healed or even that my pain disappeared, it didn’t. What happened in that beautiful moment was that I was reminded that if I ask, help will be provided. In that moment I felt my strength recharge, I knew that this pain is not stronger than me. I’ve always known this, but I needed the reminder. This has happened several times in different situations over the last couple of weeks. I know I have no idea how these things work but surely an algorithm can’t detect what is happening in my mind and hand-pick the exact right thing to say?

Today it happened again, this time I was with a friend. We had been chatting about a difficult experience I have been having recently. I had said that I feel like it’s taken so much of my attention and I felt like I was finding it difficult to lead with love because even though the emotion of love is there I worry that there’s too much negativity involved to get through. Then…. buzzz… we both look and both of our mouths drop….

“Set your affection on things above, not on the earth.”

~ Colossians 3:2

Yes, I had a spooky thing that made it clear to me that I needed to quit my job, I may share this another time, maybe in my book. It’s not just been this magical app thats been spooking me, but it is the most “in ya face” thing. I’d love to know other people’s experiences with “signs” or guidance (at the risk of sounding like a Jeremy Kyle ad). If you or anyone you know has an experience they would like to share please comment below or email me at [email protected]

Love and Blessings,

Loopy Laura xx

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Je t’aime le Français!

Heyyyyyyyyoooooooo!

So this week I’m on holibobs in France… yipppppeeeeeeeee!!! So at least after the last couple of weeks of mental breakdown I can finally talk about some fun in my Loopy Laura way.

I’m only halfway through so I might be able to spread the French Love over two weeks worth of blog!!

As I’m writing this I can look to my left and see hills and fields meeting the cloudy but bright sky. The room I’m sat in is the living area/kitchen in the old Presbytery (aka vicarage; parsonage; pastorium etc.) that my in-laws have in Lot-et-Garonne, France. The radio is playing and French radio doesn’t much do censorship, and plays a good mix of French pop; traditional French and British pop. There are a few modern additions like the swimming pool and electrics but all in all the building has been kept as close to its original state as possible. The church this place originally housed the Priest for is a 2 minute walk down the hill….

It’s something on my 40 before 40 list (see last weeks blog) to visit churches (not just St. Giles) and learn something unique about each one. The thought behind this is it will give me a deeper understanding of other churches and connect me not just to my faith but with others that have a Faith; and the places we worship. Enriching my faith is important to me. What I found cool about this church was that it had a sheltered waiting area outside the church for those early to services. Another cool thing (but this is a common thing in France), was that the graves weren’t individual… they were as above in families. I thought keeping families together is a lovely idea.

We have had mixed weather so on the super hot days we have tended to stick around the pool mostly and we have really enjoyed the pool. We set up a little play area for Isobel for when she’d had enough of the pool and to keep her out of the sun. She even fell asleep in there one of the days.

When my sister-in-law came here she went to a man-made beach at a lake. She had recommended it and so we went for a trip out. It was really good even though Isobel was grumpy and didn’t want to touch the sand or play in the water at first. Eventually she chilled out a bit and enjoyed some water and sand time. Her Grandma bought her a bucket and spade. The boys decided to bury Mat in the sand but got bored after burying his feet. We had lunch at the beachside restaurant. It was really clean and they had some walking routes and water rides too. I would recommend a visit to anyone staying in the area.

I have loads more to show you and of course I could ramble on forever but… I’m on holiday so I’m going to go and enjoy more holiday so I have even more to ramble on about next week!

Updates….

I haven’t been to Slimming World with being away and I have literally eaten what I want while I’ve been away. Will deal with getting back on track when I’m home!

I have been doing some walking while in France but again will focus on getting my steps back on track when I’m home.

The book I’m reading on holiday is ‘How To Be Happy’ by Eva Woods. I’m about half way through and it’s a fab story so far. In a nutshell it’s following the 2 main characters through different but equally difficult experiences and vow to do find their Happy in 100 days by doing something/learning something everyday no matter how big or small. It’s a concept that has been around on social media etc. for a while but I love the way Eva Woods doesn’t rush to reveal everything too quickly. The chapters are arranged in the days and several times already I have been swept up so much in the characters I have felt what I think they would be feeling. I’ll let you know my final thoughts next week!

Love and Blessings, Loopy Laura xx

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Living Intentionally

Heyyyyyyyoooooooooo!

There’s a little competition somewhere in this blog…

Slimming World & Step Challenge Update

I missed last weeks weigh in and class due to my fibro being a naughty little Imp but I haven’t given up… I am mostly on track and although I will be eating what I want while I’m on holiday I’ll be straight back on it as soon as I am back! The step challenge is going much tougher… I have had more days than I expected to have where I haven’t been able to do even the minimum daily target (11,000). My plan at the moment is just to do what I can and see what I can achieve. I have until the end of september to get the million so hopefully I can get back on track over this month. My feet have been struggling with all the walking so I felt it necessary to show them some support (afterall, they’re always supporting me BOOM!)… in the form of THE most enjoyable pedicure I have had! If you’re local to Bedworth the salon I went to was Tweezers and I highly recommend them! Here’s their facebook to check them out… https://www.facebook.com/tweezersbeauty/

Last week I shared something quite scary for me to say so “publicly”. After posting I sent it to God… I asked for guidance. I don’t always get the responses I would like… but I always get what I need. Ever since I have had guidance in abundance! We would be here another week if I went into detail but the snapshot moments have been….

One person asked me “what an average visit to church would look like for me” My answer was that I’m nearly always walking in as the service starts so I get to do the head nod and smile to the friendly faces as we rush to sit down without disturbing to much. At times during the service we are asked to mingle I use my hubs social anxiety (cause mine is not a good enough excuse) to stay in our chosen pew, which often leads to us getting ignored or getting the last few seconds rushed acknowledgements by a couple of different people that are really good at not forgetting those that sit over the inside edge pews. At the end we nearly always stay for tea and coffee but again I make flimsy attempts at socialising… that’s when really I should be acknowledging my social anxiety. So I hide myself in plain sight.

Another person asked me “why don’t you talk to her?” I couldn’t answer this in the moment so I explained that normally someone who hurts me (unspoken is… this doesn’t happen all that often because I hide) doesn’t get another chance. I would rather be alone than around people that don’t actually value me as a human….. So I take confirmation that I am unlovable by anyone that isn’t obligated by blood.

A friend sent a group message to chase for a catch up… An action that always surprises me. I’m just so busy and often quite flaky too that some friends have fallen off the radar simply through neglect. It’s also, an action that even though rare should be noticed for what it is… proof that I am wanted in at least that friendship… it should be a stronger proof than the one noted in the last paragraph!

Lastly, I was thankful for someone elses experience… This was completely by surprise. I have known her for a while and we have had many conversations about life; God; family; people we know; being self employed etc. etc. She told me a few experiences she had with people that were supposed to be friends or family that had behaved in ways that would bring the Mama Bear out in her. It struck a nerve, she was discribing things that I had done or felt; things that as I have gotten older and happier, I’ve worked on changing. Hearing someone that I respect share so openly without the negative thoughts I have attached to them really resonated with me. I let my negative attributes decide how worthy I am.

I read an awesome book recently called Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. I highly recommend this book… It’s funny; crazy and honest… sometimes a little close to home, but with a whole bunch of love that you can’t not hear her message! Anyway, in the book she calls her friends and close family her ‘tribe’. It doesn’t have to be a big tribe but I am gonna let those that want to be in my life be there without hiding and without fear… Fear just lies to us anyway!

40 Before 40!

I was inspired by someone at work to do a list of 40 things I want to do/achieve by the time I’m 40!

I found the process of writing the list exhilirating… to really think about what I want in some detail was really Living Inspiring! It has also been tough to keep the list at 40 because once you get going the ideas just keep on coming! So with the spirit of fun lets have a little competition… I have number 5 on my list empty and I want you to fill it! in the process I would really love to gain a few more readers to join this little tribe so WHAT TO DO?… If you’re on Twitter follow @LauraCMannion and retweet the blog post with your idea of what shoud be my number 5… If you’re on Facebook friend request me https://www.facebook.com/laura.c.mannion (I’m wearing gold headphones in my profile pic) then share my blog post with your idea… make sure you tag me so I can see!

To see the complete list click the link… https://docs.google.com/document/d/1x1lmSDnweuiWiLTaywp469GWoEtyZAKZcy_aD7VkvWo/edit?usp=sharing

Blessings and Joy, Loopy Laura xx

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Invisible

Heyyyyy yoooooo!

So this week during my obsession with TED on YouTube I came across a talk by Kalina Silverman about a concept she has called “Big Talk”. Essentially she says that in order to not feel lonely we should skip the “small talk”. She illustrates this idea with a video she made while studying. In the video she asks people “What do you want to do before you die?” followed by “If you were going to die tomorrow what would you do with your last day?” to complete strangers in the street! I’m pretty sure my Loopy ass would not be getting the responses she got, but her point hit home big style!

At this point I am now wondering why on earth doing this blog essentially about my truth was a good idea. Every week I seem to end up terrified while writing, scared that all this sharing my thoughts and feelings might be too much. Yet, I keep writing. That maybe, it’s too personal; yet, I keep writing. Why would anyone be interested or heck, inspired?! Yet, I keep writing. I keep posting. I am compelled to keep going and keep taking inspiration from people like Kalina Silverman. So here it is…

St. Giles Church is now without a Vicar. As of yesterday he and his lovely wife are onto their next chapter. It’s so exciting for them and probably a whole bunch of other emotions attached. For me, it has brought about an inner turmoil that I have struggled to contain. I can’t honestly believe that this emotional leaking is down to our Vicar leaving. I mean, don’t get me wrong he was welcoming to the church and he ran the Emmaus course and was present when I was Confirmed and of course he baptised my daughter.

He was present and guiding in some of the most special moments of my life. However, I am always in the background at church and even after nearly 2 years of going there are people surprised by this. The majority of the time this isn’t a problem; I am there to worship and be as active and purposeful a Christian as I can. I also know that there are a few that know my face and individually do seem to like me, but that didn’t stop me from feeling like the odd one out. Everyone around us had big groups of fellow church-goers that they are friends with and they were all smiling and hugging and sharing stories with each other. When the service started that whole part of the congregation clearly had a mutual connection with our Vicar. That is where I fall down…. all I wanted was to be part of that. I fooled myself into thinking I had done enough to be a part of that. I volunteer for everything I can and I always do my best to talk to people; the reality is though for some reason I find it difficult to make meaningful friendships in most situations. In most areas of my life I’m more than happy with that, as I have exactly what I need in life. At church I feel a drive to try to overcome this difficulty, so when these things happen and I realise I am still on the outside it makes me want to hide away, and I did. I went home to be with the ones that I don’t have to work so hard to be included with.  I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing at the time but I think it was. Being around my hubs and kids heals me and reminds me whats important. I’ll figure my mental stuff out at some point but for now I just need to take comfort from my family and the bible.

Much Love and Inspiration,

Loopy Laura xx

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Unapologetic

Heyyyy yooooooooo!

Hope you’re all well this very hot week! Here’s a YouTube music video to accompany your reading, bear with me all will make sense by the end!….

So a couple of things I want to update y’all on this week… I am changing the day I release this blog every week from Sunday to Monday (lets choose to ignore that this release is a Tuesday!). This is just so I can hopefully give you something to look forward to and alleviate them ‘good ol’’ Monday Blues. Staying on my health/fundraising journey has been tough this week. Through feeling exhausted from the heat that I was not made to tolerate, and being all over the place between walking/being mum/work etc. I have also felt really hungry/craving so have had more naughties than normal. I am about to go to get weighed after writing this so will find out if I did enough to have a loss. I mostly stayed on track thanks to a friend on the Facebook group… there’s lots of nice people at this group… that I just needed to give myself the chance to know. The walking challenge has been really tough too, but I feel confident with 9 days left this month I will have at least completed a third of the Million Steps!

I do have an apology to make to you Lovely Life Livers. My spelling and grammar was atrocious last week!…. I did check it and got the hubs to read it too. I think exhaustion got us both! I will do my utmost to ensure this doesn’t happen again! Thank you sooooo much if you managed to read it through!

Calling Myself Out!

Actually, that’s a whole heap of “glossing” happening when I’m trying to explain why my spelling etc wasn’t what it should be! So this is MY TRUTH…. Fibromyalgia affected my performance. There that wasn’t so hard to admit right?! Pfft… well we don’t actually have the time in a blog post to dive into the maze my mind would take us into.

All this apologising is probably making you wonder “why on earth is this blog post called Unapologetic if all she’s going to do is apologise?!”

So my hubs wisely advised me “Only say what you would be prepared to say in front of a room full of people”… well here we go!

Ok, *5,4,3,2,1* I currently have to be around several people that generally keep a negative cloud that floats around in their general vicinity that randomly rains down on those around. This is normal right… we all have negative ninny’s to deal with…. It’s life. That’s fine until that negative ninny leaves an area of your life that you work soooo hard to maintain insecure, or the positives that keep the situation balanced dwindle.

The good news… No ninny will ever decide my actions. Just because some people take a disliking to me, that will not lead to me apologising for me. Apologies are for when an action of yours was wrong NOT for not behaving how someone else expects you to or for not allowing someone to dictate what your actions should be. This is my general Truth… We haven’t the time to go into specifics but I am happy to answer direct questions… I am also happy to say any of this to a room of people… well apart from the fact I have never done such a thing as public speaking and would probably melt from anxiety. Hopefully, the words would be out before the melting occurred.

If you read last weeks blog… and still wanted to read this! Then you will know that there was something that happened last week at work that I decided to save for this week to save the blog post turning into a dissertation! So since becoming a Christian I have developed an obsession with the moments that Christians have where they can’t deny their faith any longer. I will share my moment with you one day…

I have found (to my surprise) that actually a lot of my clients are comfortable enough with their own faith or non faith to be interested enough in my excitement over this part of my journey. So this particular client had shown interest and I went on, while mostly looking down at her hands to work on her nails, to tell her about someone I met through my church and her moment. Her moment happened when she ended up in Coventry Cathedral taking part in a course. The people running the course said they wouldn’t be “doing” anything with the first session… simply there if someone needed them but otherwise people were to just enjoy the Cathedral and take it in; get to know the building and soak in the atmosphere; pray if the notion took them etc. So she sat in the middle of the Cathedral, overwhelmed by some tricky stuff going on in her life. She sat and prayed… asking for one thing…. “God, if you’re there, send someone to pray with me“, a moment later a person from each side of the room walked to her, knelt beside her and silently, they prayed together… When they stopped praying, and with tears now streaming she asked “why did you come to me?” they responded by saying they simply felt compelled too.

When I finally finished the re-telling and looked up my client had watery eyes and thanked me for sharing, that she had been feeling “something” recently and she was going to investigate this further. As a Christian it obviously is a responsibility to share my faith… but I don’t expect that everyone will have the same faith I do. Our journey’s are all different and this is partly why the world is so beautiful. A lot of the time people I speak to don’t have the same faith I do, but I listen without judgment just the same as I request from anyone who listens to me. There’s one thing I believe we should all have in common; whichever faith or those just trying to be a decent human… judgement free kindness.

Cher said it best….

Love and Understanding, Loopy Laura xx

P.S. So back to slimming club… tonight was a massive turn around for me. I had enjoyed the previous classes but I didn’t feel like I was part of that group. This week was different as more than the leader and the well intentioned misfirer recognised me and spoke to me. I may be starting to get over what I am going to call my “paddywhack” over not being able to go to my previous group. My heart is starting to open to these people and even Miss Firer makes me smile to think of now. Patience and not judging too soon is definitely the lesson learnt here. Plus, I got my half stone award AND slimmer of the week!

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The Epitome of Blah

Hey yoooooo! Hope you are all well!

This has been a funny old week… I started the week feeling Blah.

I partly put the feeling of blah down to being too poorly last Sunday to get to church. It clears my head and realeases a lot of the worries I have by handing them over to God…. he has afterall, got my back like no human could ever (Mat does come as close to it as humanly possible… this is definitely on my long list of things I am so immensely grateful for). I akways feel more ready for the week ahead with a good old praise session. The walking challenge has an emphasis on challenge that I physically was not ready for. I forget that I don’t do the same things day in, day out, so I have to cram a lot of steps in big long walks on many days to attempt to stay on target. Physically I find it less painful to spread out the steps over the day.

My first weigh in at Slimming World was an interesting and overall positive experience. A very well intentioned but misfiring lady decided to impart her wisdom that step challenges are too easy to cheat on and the watches (that she pointed to around my wrist) just counted how many hand waves I did. Well, now I am not deluded, I do know they are not 100% accurate but I am by no means cheating… as anyone who actually knows me would know I can’t allow myself to do this even with something that seems innocuous. Anyway, then I got on the scales and I had lost 6lb! Not a bad start (the painful legs seemed worth it on a selfish level in that moment) and despite the little comment “that won’t last” from the again well intentioned but clearly misfiring lady I felt proud of myself and positive for the next part of my journey. The next weigh in I had maintained which is ok cause as you will see I was away from home for the weekend and was completely off plan and didnt drink enough either. I also joined a 3lb club (3 of us are aiming for a 3lb loss this week) which adds a little fun addition to the week.

On the same thread as weight loss… here’s a little update on the Million Step Challenge. I am behind on target for this month but I’m not overly worried yet as I have some good ideas how to get back on track… I plan to take lots of photo’s ofwhere I go. So if you would like to see more of more of the beautiful places I get too drop me a comment or maybe we could have fun with hash tag…. post a pic on Twitter or Instagram and #LoopyLaura and tag you in my pics as I post.

Soooo the reason my blog is late this week is because we (Mat, Isobel, Cam and I) went to Durham on Saturday and Sunday. My mum, sister, nephews and nan live there still and my brother was also visiting. It’s my brothers birthday at the end of the month so we wanted to have a family meal to celebrate. My nan is not able to join in with these things anymore as she is in a care home and she’s just too poorly to leave the building now. It breaks my heart everytime I see her now. Parkinsons steals so much from her. A lot of people (including me until the last couple of years) thought that it was just a shake that you couldn’t control. I don’t think any of us were ready to deal with just how debilitating and all-consuming the disease is. The moments we glimpse the person that raised us and was always there supporting us whether we deserved it or not it really is a special moment that you grab onto. It’s such a hard thing to accept her mortality; that she won’t be here forever keeping us right, or at least attempting to. We did get a couple of hours before the Parky anxiety kicked in and we got the tears and begging to not leave her and to make her feet stay still. We also had a lovely meal at The Church Mouse, Chester-le-Street for my bro bro’s meal. I love to spend time with my family…. I hope to do more of that now that my sis and Mum are moving into places that have space for guests.

Here I am with my Nan (on the right) when I was small… She always held my hand and made me feel safe when I was a kid. She also let me stay up to watch Strike It Lucky and Blind Date. She often took me to dance classes and New Years Eve was always a ridiculously hilarious games night that usually included one of us having to attempt something crazy like use a towel to make a nappy and put it on one of the players (there was only usually me and her still awake by this point so we often ended up doing some sort of ‘nappy dance’ across the living room to achieve this insane task.

Another most amazing thing that happened over the weekend is that I got to meet up with a long lost friend. I think I mentioned in a previous blog that I do a 5 minute journal morning and evening. In that journal I get a weekly challenge and a few weeks ago the challenge was to contact someone that I had been meaning to but not got round too. J was originally a friend of mine when I still lived in Durham, and our kids were in the same school. I can’t actually remember how we got chatting initially but she was someone I felt drawn too. As well as being an awesome mum of 3 lovely boys, fantabulous wife to her husband, integral part of the school board, as good a Christian as a human can manage to be (kindness is definitely her super power), she was also was a scrap-booking junkie that supplied scrap-booking supplies and supported other scrap-booking suppliers. She also seemed to have the patience to be friends with me!

Back then I was very poorly (with the unknown fibro) and heavily depressed. I was still rejecting all things faith-related but was desperately trying to find my happiness. I was still looking at “things” as the answer. I honestly don’t think I knew that my hard work would eventually pay off and the boys and I would not be stuck on benefits feeling stuck forever. J saw something in me and supported me in so many ways, much more than I deserved. I couldn’t fully appreciate her at the time because of all the reasons above.

She was clearly a blessing in my life and that was only confirmed with no shadow of a doubt (if it wasn’t already clear enough) when I contracted meningitis. I got the boys to school one day having had this piercing headache in one very precise spot and radiating out. I felt so poorly but I had to get to work. J made me take a minute to rest and then tried to convince me to go home and rest. I wouldn’t and she tried harder and didnt leave my side. Then I collapsed, and she stayed with me. I lost the next 3 days but later I found out that she had stayed with me until Nan could get to me at the hospital and she had comforted her. She had called my job and told them what the deal was and I think she also fetched the boys and helped out with school runs etc. while I was in hospital. I was not as good a friend in return. I mentally couldn’t deal with that at the time. I plan to at least try to be the good friend I should have been back then. We had a lovely catch up and now I am definitely able to be a more open friend. J if you’re reading this I really am grateful for your light in this world. I promise to always be there if you shout me and I promise to not embarrass you with again as I know this talk of how you’re such an inspirational person isn’t your comfort zone…. I very much look forward to spending more time in the future.

I actually had another really cool thing happen thanks to another inspirational friend last week but I think my laptop can’t handle anymore happy tears drip dropping over it so I will save that for next week!

Let’s keep our Inspiration alive! Love Loopy Laura xx