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Waiting for the uber

Heyyy yooooooo!

Today I have gotten out of the house for the first time this week! I am breathing in that fresh air like there’s no tomorrow!

I took Daisy out for a walk and then decided I needed to get some work done so first I went to introduce myself to the local businesses and then off to Astley Book Farm to learn the new catalogue and have a milkshake.

There’s a few of my friends that like going to Astley Book Farm and we are between us trying all the flavours of milkshake (there are quite a few!) and between us find the best one. Today’s choice was Cotton Candy. Believe it or not it was blue… I was expecting pink! It was lovely though! Just the perfect amount of sweet and my teeth don’t hurt from it like if I ate cotton candy.

I’m also becoming obsessed with all thing Mrs Hinch… which I am sure I’m a little late on the uptake of this one but between her book and Marie Kondo’s Book I am, for the first time since I had post natal ocd with my first son (19.5 years ago), excited to clean!

I have been struggling a lot with my medication and pain levels recently but I am super proud to say I have still managed to achieve Senior Consultant with my The Body Shop At Home business. I am aiming for Executive by the end of this month and Area Manager by June! So if you know anyone looking for a fun and flexible opportunity, feel free to send them my way!

Love & Blessings!

Loopy xx

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The deepest, darkest rabbit hole

So it’s been a while since I blogged. Primarily because, as my last few blog posts will reveal, I broke. My already fragile consciousness was shattered into a million jagged pieces. At the time it felt as if I was Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Only what I found at the bottom was nothing but pain and an almost complete loss of self. The self talking to you now that, even when struggling, knows how precious this life is. How blessed I am. How much beauty is in the world. Wanted nothing but death. Thought the only solution would be to give up. To no longer be a burden. To no longer fight to have a positive life. It hurt to even breath.

From the outside I was grieving. Inside I have to fix or accept the brokenness that was already in existence before the grief can become a priority. I have so much and am blessed to have my husband and children and a few that care (a few who actively care and some from a distance) and yet there is now a loneliness inside that I don’t know will ever go away.

What’s the point in sharing this? Well, it’s always good to share, so they say. I can’t speak for others but I can speak for myself. My medication is holding me down until therapy is available. For now I hope for more and more happier days. I don’t need pity or avoidance.

Mental health problems are difficult to understand but patience is always appreciated. I have hard days that I have to fight my way through but I also have days where I can almost be myself. The self that is happy and grateful; fiery and determined; caring and forever protective of those that I love. Imperfect, sarcastic and sometimes a little sharp.

So the next time you encounter me (or anyone with a mental health illness), what will you remember to be true about them?

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Bad day.

Today’s been a tough one. Whenever I had hurt feelings I would go and off load to Mum she would empathise and then I’d let it go and move on. Today’s one of them days where the loss could have been yesterday and I don’t know how to keep it together. Will I ever learn how to do this when it seems like even those closest to me seem to love me in one breath and in the next nip at me. It feels like I’ll never learn how to be a part of a world without Mum. It makes no sense that I find it easier to share like this than to reach out to a real person…

I’m off to retreat into fiction world to see if the break from reality helps!

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Bookathon to Finish 2018

Heyyy yyyyyyooooooo!

Yesterday I shared my routine for keeping my productivity up. Today I want to share one of the things on my Master To Do List… I have a list of 16 books that I have started but bot finished. 2 are on Audible; 4 are on Kindle and the rest are hard copies. I am what I would describe as a snail like reader. I have dyslexia which means that my reading speed to understand is on average 11 words a minute… isn’t it cool what they can tell you from a test for dyslexia. So really this is a massive challenge! At the moment this is really exciting! we shall see how long it takes for me to realise that immensity of this task.

The list is a mix up of genres so at least I won’t get stuck on one type of book. Here’s a little run down of each book…

Blog For Creatives by Robin Houghton… This is the 1 of 3 books on this list that I haven’t actually started to read. The reason it is on this list is that I think it will help me make this blog better for you lovely readers.

Ecstatic Pudding by Joy Rice… This is a fun poetry book that was sent to me recently by the author. You can find her on facebook https://www.facebook.com/ecstaticpudding/ drop in and say hi… she is lovely and her poetry is hilarious!

The Christmas Mystery by Jostein Gaarder… I have started this every year but never finish it. This is the year people!

The Dark End of the Street by a collection of Authors… This is a collection of short stories that are all in the crime thriller family. They all have the theme of sex and crime. I got this recently from The Book Farm that I will likely do a whole post about at some point. It seems pretty good so far… I am not often attracted to collections as I have been dissapointed in the past when some of the stories were not very captivating and then it sort of overshadows the good stuff. Time will tell.

Golden Thoughts by Jarrold… is a collection of poems of varying themes. This book I have read before many times but it’s a book that my Mum gave to my Grandad. I want to read it again because it connects them in my mind and in some small way I hope it will bring me some joy thinking about them both while I read. I am intrigued to see if the effect of the words will be different now that both of them are with God now.

Darkside of Sunset Pointe by Michael Allan Scott… I started reading this earlier on this week. I had managed to find some time in a coffee shop while Isobel was asleep and found myself without a book. Luckily I have the Kindle app on my phone and this book was on there. It is free when you sign up for his newsletter on his website for a short time only. Just google his name or find him on Twitter to get your copy.

May Day by Jess Loury… This is 1 of the books that I haven’t actually started reading yet (along with the next one for the same reason). The Author of this book is looking for critical readers for her future books. I haven’t read anything of hers as yet so before I apply I will read the first 2 of her books. Why 2?… because there are plenty of fluke great first books…

June Bug by Jess Loury… See above.

Friend Request by Laura Marshall… Again I started reading this earlier on this week. It was on my kindle and it was staring at me. I mentioned it in “Day 2 – In bed by 9pm” blog post and I received a message from a friend who had read the post and had read the book. She recommended it to me so that was that.

God is Closer Than you Think by John Ortberg… I started this book a few weeks ago and it was put on hold because (and I should probably not so openly admit this) I had run out of highlighter and had to wait for new ones to arrive in the post. I don’t highlight in every book… but there are a lot of books that I read more critically than others. This book has so many little treasures in it already… I have a future blog post planned that will explore some of the concepts in this book. For example… What has God and Where’s Wally (Waldo) got in common?

Facepaint by Lisa Eldridge… This book is about the history of makeup. My friend gave it to me for christmas a couple of years ago and I have dipped into it many times. Now that I don’t work in the beauty industry I think I can read it with fresh eyes and for pure enjoyment.

The Girl in the Spiders Web by David Lagerarantz… My hubs (who will be home in 24 hours!!!!! Yessssssssss!!!!!) gave it to me when it was first released. It is supposedly the follow up to Stieg Larrsons, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Trilogy. I started reading it straight away but ‘the voice’ is not in keeping with Stieg Larrson… It has taken me a while to accept this and now I think I will finally be able to read it and give credit where it is due.

The Passage by Justin Cronin… I have read this book twice before on my kindle. It is the first in a trilogy. As far as I am concerned it is up there with Game of Thrones. It would definitely be on my favorites list! Anyway, Mat and I are listening to this on Audible at the moment as they are bringing out of TV series based on this trilogy soon.

Encounters With Jesus by Timothy Keller… This is what I am listening to on Audible on my own at the moment. I should be finished this by the time I have finished writing this. It has been amazing and I have put the hard copy on my Christmas Wish List as I need to get my highlighter on it!

A Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers… This is a collection of 5 stories about 5 of the most inspiring women of the bible. This book was given to me as a gift when I was confirmed earlier on this year. I have read the first story in it so far and it is literally mindblowing. My only thing is that Rivers has so seemlessly written it that I can’t tell whats factual and whats the fictional blanks that she has filled to make a coherent storyline. I look forward to wondering and being inspired by strong women. I will likely see the factual once I get through more of The Bible which is the 1 book on this list that is a permanent on every reading list I will ever have.

So that’s it! I have until New Year’s Eve to get this list done. I really don’t want to go into 2019 with half read books on my shelf.

I would love to hear what’s on your current TBR (To Be Read) and if you are thinking of reading anything on this list. If you have read anything off this list what did you think of it? no spoilers please!!

My email is [email protected] or comment below.

Love and Blessings!

Loopy xx

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Tips I have used to manage home and kids

Hey yoooooo!!!!

So I have got through a week of effectively being a single parent (for new readers my hubs has been away for work). I apologise firstly, for the amount of moaning and over thinking I have likely done over this week. This blog has definitely been used as a coping mecanism. I don’t find it easy to share what’s going on for me in the moment so I wrote it down. I have always found it easier to write than to talk my feelings… which is weird as I love to talk about everything else!

This week has been everything I didn’t expect. What I expected was that it would be the early mornings plus night time sleep interuptions from Isobel that would be the hardest thing. I was also really concerned about my fibrolyalgia kicking off and many scenarios played out in my paranoid mind box. Obviously missing my equal half was also a concern… although, I knew we could manage that from being away from him when Mum died.

I am not going to try and claim that it has been plain sailing as my previous blog posts will prove me to be a liar… but looking back over the week I am proud of how it has gone over all. The tricky bits have mostly been low energy and not being able to drive. Not having the back up with everything has been missed and I have struggled to take care of my health both physical and mental over this week. That being said… I haven’t taken it out on anyone else (which is my natural instinct for some reason). I haven’t been asking for help other than the occasional asking one son to go tell other son that dinner is ready or to take the bin out for me. I’ve mostly carried on walking the dog myself and all my normal household jobs have been done, plus a lot of the hubs jobs, plus quite a lot of organising and sorting (I am currently on a mission to de clutter and make the house more of a home). [book recommendation: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo]

I am going to put it out there that the things that society dictates are not really work in terms of raising a family and taking care of home is in my opinion a bunch of bull shirt. I find it difficult. I also find that it’s the best part of my life in terms of my little family are everything and give me purpose when I don’t always think of myself as a worthwhile human. I just have to look at my kids and my hubs to know that I must be pretty cool to have these humans calling my Mum or wife. This is how I fake it til I make it!

One of the many things I learnt from my Mum was to utilise To Do lists. Now my way of using them has been adapted by merging a few different techniques I acquired from others.

Number 1… I have a master To Do list. This is a lined notebook that I literally brain dump everything as I think of it. The list is not in any order as I am way to scatty to think of things in a logical order straight up.

Number 2… From there I have my planner. Each day has a double page spread and I pick my 3-4 things from the master list. I also note a quote of the day; what I plan on eating; shopping list for that day if necessary; expenses; exercise; my water intake; self care plan; and there is a space for random notes. Once a week I will incude a priority to do list for the week. This will focus on bigger tasks that may need breaking down over the week into more manageable chunks.

Number 3… Regular jobs get put straight into the calendar on my phone and on Mondays I calendar block for the week. This gives me an idea of what and how much I am aiming to get done that week. However, if I am having a high stress time the calendar blocking can be dropped as I find that my phone pinging me all day can be jarring if I am not feeling focused.

Number 4… I have list book (from paperchase) that I use for meal planning and shopping lists. It has little tags in it too that I can use to mark the recipes I (or the hubs) is going to use.

It might seem like a lot but it’s what works for me. I can look at a glance what I need to do today without the overwhelming master list either panicking me because I can see how much I want to achieve or its floating around in my brain taunting me and slowing me down even more. It’s part of my morning routine to set myself up for the day and I’ll admit it is something I look forward to. It helps me get excited for the day ahead.

I’d love to hear how you organise your time or what you might try from my routine! comment below or email [email protected]

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Standing Ground Where Hope Can Be Found

Heyyyyy yooooo!

Well now where do I begin with today… I woke today and got started with the day as planned. Nothing was going wrong. I had slept pretty good last night. Pain levels were manageable. Isobel had a couple of “tantrums” but nothing to crazy. My lovely friend came to visit me with a lovely new lip colour (which is as anyone who knows me well is up there with the gift of a good book or flowers or candles… damn I am quite easy to gift! lol). Yet… I spent the day feeling stressed and sad. I kept “having a word” with myself; I made sure my to do list for today was low key. That I had something to look forward to tonight for my relaxing/self care time. Even completing everything on my to do list didn’t help. THEN to top it off… spider attack! It has survived… it was the size of my palm and it ran straight at me and went under the couch. I have one of 2 reactions to spiders 1) freeze or 2) scream. Unfortunately for Isobel it was the second option today… adding something to the “mothers guilt” list. I had planned to do some Yoga when Isobel was in bed but that has not happened as the spider is likely still in there waiting to attack again… so I have banished myself to my room… I’ll be honest, I am 100% good with that.

Once Isobel was in bed I sat down to write this. Unlike every other night I couldn’t right anything straight away. You guys have been my sounding board while Mat has been away… and he would, I am sure, testify that I have no problem letting the day out when needed. I definitely needed to off load so why did I hesitate? Well, something special… a moment of clarity.

Normally what happens when I feel rubbish is I hold it in and then erupt at some point with no real rhyme or reason. Alternatively, I off load to Mat or Mum. Today I have that suspicion would have been a Mum day… hence the sadness. I said to someone earlier that I don’t know how I was a single parent for 8 years previous to meeting Mat. If I let myself I would wonder it even more now realising that for most of them years I didn’t have this connection with Mum that I had gained in the last few years. Although, what has clarified for me tonight is 3 fold…

  1. I had a really close connection with my Nan who supported me as much as she could when I was a single parent. My Mum was truly an amazing human being but my Nan was my constant and consistent through my whole life. What allowed me to cope with my Nans decline into Parkinsons was becoming closer to Mum…. Now thats all gone. I still have Nan in body at least for now but she is not able to comprehend reality too much now and she thinks I am Mum cause we look so much alike. In the hierarchy of family… I no longer have anyone above me leading the way….
  2. The above is heartbreaking but it won’t be soul destroying. They raised me stronger than that… today was just a sad day.

My soul will be with theirs again one day, but for now, by His Grace “I will stand my ground where hope can be found” (O’Lord, Lauren Daigle)

Love and Blessings, Loopy xx

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Day 5… Re organisation and building my tribe!

Heyyy yoooo!

I hope you are all well. Yesterday I was impatient to watch Hocus Pocus and may have been slightly guilty of rushing through my blog post…. eeek! I am positive that I am not the only one that rushes through something important to get to the next important thing. Even so, I promise to try and not do that again as anyone reading this and especially those that stick with me by following this blog and becoming part of this tribe of amazing and inspiring people, mean everything to me! If you would like a personal invite to follow this blog then drop me an email to [email protected] and I would be privileged to send that invite.

So today I focused my energy on starting to think about what will come next for Loopy Laura… I have so many things I want to do and so many exciting ways to hopefully entertain and build a beautiful and positive community that can support each other through tough times and celebrate the triumphs in life. So watch this space… things will be happening soon and I hope we can go on this journey together.

I went to Bedworth and did the little bit of shopping and errand running that I had to get done and then took Isobel to the park to run that energy off. This plan meant that I could get quite a lot done this afternoon. I set up my new organisation system. Its similar to what I had already been doing before my Mum died (mentioned in previous blog posts) and for obvious reasons fallen out of the habit of doing. I have tweaked it and streamlined it a little more but I am happy with it. I am brain dumping all of my to do’s onto one big list and each day I will go through that list to pick my 3-4 things for that day. Most days I get a lot more done than them 3-4 things but it does make sure that the most urgent things are seen too before they would flash red on a A&E target board.

The next thing I sorted was the things I have to do everyday and allocated them to my calendar so I don’t even have to think about what I need to do next as my calendar will tell me what I need to know.

When I got to Bedworth Isobel had gone to sleep in her pushchair (I feel like she has got it spot on to go to sleep everytime she is bored hehe). I took advantage of this situation by going for a coffee so that I could check my list and plan my attack on the shops. It turned out that I had done a pretty good job of my list and it was pretty straight forward (what a bull shirt excuse to sit and have a coffee!)… so having left the book I was reading at home I started a different book that I had on my phone. It called Darkside Of Sunset Pointe by Michael Allan Scott and I was rivited immediately! I actually can’t wait to keep reading!

Another thing I did today that was exciting for me… I may regret sharing this in a public way but I downloaded a dictionary app… it gives you a word of the day… this makes me very happy… probably a little to happy… but hey its free and I clearly have not filled my days up enough! Here’s todays word of the day!…

That’s about all I have today…

Love and Blessings, Loopy Laura xx

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Happy or Goulish Halloween!

Heyyy yooooo!

I wish you all a scary Halloween! I think thats the appropriate greeting?! I like to keep my curtains open at night so I can see the stars if I wake up in the night and I can well imagine I will see a lot of lights left on in my street if Halloween is sufficiently scary for my neighbours. I don’t do scary films when I am on my own but I can read scary books. They tend to give me nightmares still but I love the feeling of being completely lost in a world thats unlike the world I live in… my imagination can run wild so I think thats why books work better for me. That being said I fully intend on watching Hocus Pocus after writing this.

With that in mind lets keep this short and terrifyingly, brutally, Loopily Laura truthful.

Today was a great day. I bet you werent’ expecting that?! Today is good only. I have a lot to be thankful for and today was one of them days that really highlighted that to me. I was nervous for today as I was set to meet up with a friend and her daughter to hang out in Coventry… hit the library and see what happens from there (yes, I know! wild child). I was nervous because going to Coventry poses a few issues for me. Getting there is quite a trek, and if my fibro decides its going to kick off and Mat isn’t around to swoop in and save the day then I don’t have a plan b. Then there’s the social anxiety that has been a larger issue than my fibro the majority of my life. I don’t really talk about that very often cause I don’t think I fully understood that it was that. Words like that seem to be used for the “clickbait” effect so much in our social lives that it somehow seems like it should be more manageable and of course I assumed that it would be something I could easily highlightand understand… like “oh yes I get super shy in front of groups of people… obviously I deal with socil anxiety” unfortunately it’s not that straightforward. I’ll maybe chat more about that some other time but for now I think you get the gyst. So yeah, I got to Coventry… wait for it… ON TIME… we then had an amazing day. I did talk about Mum but it was nice to talk about her. We did rhyme time at the library and went for lunch then went the Herbert Art Gallery then went to the Transport Museum. I even managed to fit in a trip to Waterstones and ordered a book with a voucher.

When we got home we ate and then my middle one took Isobel out trick or treating with his girlfriend. Isobel was exhausted after that and needed her bed. I spent some time with my son and his girlfriend which was super nice… they’re such good almost adults. I’m proud of them both and I am excited for their futures…. they deserve the very best that life has to offer. My oldest was off out with his friends tonight… I hope he gets in at a reasonable hour… Oh my! when did I get so old?!

Love and Blessings xx

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Waving Not Drowning…

Heyy yoooo!!

It is day 3 without the hubs. We facetimed today which was great but I never facetime people usually… Just Mum. I would say I am doing ok generally. I am starting to feel happiness again. She is still constantly in the back of my mind and everything I do seems to have a connection to the loss of her. I find it really difficult to explain. I am thankful that not every waking moment takes my breath away with grief anymore but there are still moments, like seeing a facetime that isn’t her face, that do wind me slightly. I thought about her a lot today. I am thankful for the time I had with her and I am trying really hard to not focus on the things that a) I can’t change and b) make me really sad. Will that ever be second nature?

One of my go to songs when I sing my praises at the moment is Gracefully Broken (Matt Redman)… I really identify with it at the moment. Here’s a quote that particularly rises the power in my belly…

Your power at work in me

I’m broken gracefully

I’m strong when I am weak

I will be Free

I am at least feeling the Grace now… I am so blessed!

So today I was in need of a chill day. I was planning to go to Bedworth and take Little Miss to the park but I am going into town tomorrow instead and meeting a friend.

The 4 things I made sure I got done were…

  1. Cleaning the bathroom
  2. wash the remainder of the washing and put everything away
  3. post a few of the items I am getting rid of online to sell
  4. This blog post

I also managed to find time to remove the nails I had on that were well passed sell by. I currently have naked nails for the first time since I was pregnant I think. I sorted a bit more out in Isobels room too. I’m determined to get this house straightened out.

I started reading Friend Request by Laura Marshall last night. It seems like it will be alright so far but I have only read the first couple of chapters so far. Will let y’all know what I think of it when I have done with it.

Good night & God Bless xx

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Day 2 – in bed by 9pm

Heyyy yooooo!

Day 2 and Baby Bel woke me at 6:40am. I really don’t do mornings very well at all! She originally woke up at 4:15am but I just brought her into bed with me and we enjoyed snuggles and a couple more hours snoozing. I am blessed really… that is early but at least its fairly reasonable still… we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

Today’s Top 4 To Do’s…

  1. Sort out the back log of rubbish and recycling… I’m sure there are people living here that I haven’t met yet with the amount of rubbish and washing there is constantly!
  2. Tidy up my own room (my plan was to do this when Miss Bel was having a nap but that was not to be so I ended up doing just a quick clean after she went to bed)
  3. This one it was a tie between the washing and cleaning the fridge out… The fridge was the most desperate so that gone and quite a bit of the washing got done too… thanks to a nose bleed from Little Miss that forced the bedding to have to be stripped down and washed.
  4. Blog 2….

I promised myself a couple of things for while Mat was away… 1) To do what I can and not beat myself up for what doesn’t get done, 2) Enjoy as much as I can. So far I have kept that up and although my pain levels have crept up to an 8 this evening, my satisfaction level is at a 12 so its all good!

Mat usually does most of the cooking so today was the first day in quite a while that I did all 3 meals of the day. I was nervous because I didn’t want to make awful food but I didn’t do to bad. I genuinely forget that I did everything on my own for 8 years… I am actually quite capable! Surprise! I made just a simple creamy pasta with garlic, mushrooms, onions and spring onions and garlic bread on the side. It could have done with some colour though.

Isobel enjoyed playing with this block that has coloured pegs that she matches to the right colours and reading her books and of course going up and down the stairs and watching Hey Duggee. I will be taking her out of the house tomorrow hopefully.

I’m off to read for a bit before I sleep. I finished a book yesterday and I think I am going to read a book I have read a few times before… The Keep by F. Paul Wilson or maybe Friend Request by Laura Marshall.

Goodnight & God Bless xx