So it’s been a while since I blogged. Primarily because, as my last few blog posts will reveal, I broke. My already fragile consciousness was shattered into a million jagged pieces. At the time it felt as if I was Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Only what I found at the bottom was nothing but pain and an almost complete loss of self. The self talking to you now that, even when struggling, knows how precious this life is. How blessed I am. How much beauty is in the world. Wanted nothing but death. Thought the only solution would be to give up. To no longer be a burden. To no longer fight to have a positive life. It hurt to even breath.
From the outside I was grieving. Inside I have to fix or accept the brokenness that was already in existence before the grief can become a priority. I have so much and am blessed to have my husband and children and a few that care (a few who actively care and some from a distance) and yet there is now a loneliness inside that I don’t know will ever go away.
What’s the point in sharing this? Well, it’s always good to share, so they say. I can’t speak for others but I can speak for myself. My medication is holding me down until therapy is available. For now I hope for more and more happier days. I don’t need pity or avoidance.
Mental health problems are difficult to understand but patience is always appreciated. I have hard days that I have to fight my way through but I also have days where I can almost be myself. The self that is happy and grateful; fiery and determined; caring and forever protective of those that I love. Imperfect, sarcastic and sometimes a little sharp.
So the next time you encounter me (or anyone with a mental health illness), what will you remember to be true about them?