Heyyyyy yooooo!
Well now where do I begin with today… I woke today and got started with the day as planned. Nothing was going wrong. I had slept pretty good last night. Pain levels were manageable. Isobel had a couple of “tantrums” but nothing to crazy. My lovely friend came to visit me with a lovely new lip colour (which is as anyone who knows me well is up there with the gift of a good book or flowers or candles… damn I am quite easy to gift! lol). Yet… I spent the day feeling stressed and sad. I kept “having a word” with myself; I made sure my to do list for today was low key. That I had something to look forward to tonight for my relaxing/self care time. Even completing everything on my to do list didn’t help. THEN to top it off… spider attack! It has survived… it was the size of my palm and it ran straight at me and went under the couch. I have one of 2 reactions to spiders 1) freeze or 2) scream. Unfortunately for Isobel it was the second option today… adding something to the “mothers guilt” list. I had planned to do some Yoga when Isobel was in bed but that has not happened as the spider is likely still in there waiting to attack again… so I have banished myself to my room… I’ll be honest, I am 100% good with that.
Once Isobel was in bed I sat down to write this. Unlike every other night I couldn’t right anything straight away. You guys have been my sounding board while Mat has been away… and he would, I am sure, testify that I have no problem letting the day out when needed. I definitely needed to off load so why did I hesitate? Well, something special… a moment of clarity.
Normally what happens when I feel rubbish is I hold it in and then erupt at some point with no real rhyme or reason. Alternatively, I off load to Mat or Mum. Today I have that suspicion would have been a Mum day… hence the sadness. I said to someone earlier that I don’t know how I was a single parent for 8 years previous to meeting Mat. If I let myself I would wonder it even more now realising that for most of them years I didn’t have this connection with Mum that I had gained in the last few years. Although, what has clarified for me tonight is 3 fold…
- I had a really close connection with my Nan who supported me as much as she could when I was a single parent. My Mum was truly an amazing human being but my Nan was my constant and consistent through my whole life. What allowed me to cope with my Nans decline into Parkinsons was becoming closer to Mum…. Now thats all gone. I still have Nan in body at least for now but she is not able to comprehend reality too much now and she thinks I am Mum cause we look so much alike. In the hierarchy of family… I no longer have anyone above me leading the way….
- The above is heartbreaking but it won’t be soul destroying. They raised me stronger than that… today was just a sad day.
My soul will be with theirs again one day, but for now, by His Grace “I will stand my ground where hope can be found” (O’Lord, Lauren Daigle)
Love and Blessings, Loopy xx