Are the 5 stages of grief wrong… or am I?

So anyone who has read my previous blog post, or indeed, knows me in real life, knows that my Mum died recently (19th September 2018). The last 4 weeks have been the craziest; saddest; angriest; loneliest; emptiest and most broken time of my life. I don’t see that changing anytime soon… but I hope and pray that I will learn to mimic a substantial life again soon. “fake it til you make it” is the idea.

Before I continue… Everything below is my truth… my opinion and not to be taken as others opinions or thoughts. There are sections where I discuss my view of my Mums life… A lot of which she has not said and is obviously not able to confirm or deny. It’s dodgy ground to talk about but I hope that reading my innermost thoughts in this time of grief may help someone else through. My mum sacrificed herself for others many times and I feel confident that she would be ok with me sharing… but again I can’t know for sure until I hopefully make it through the gates of heaven and she either greets me with a slap or smile.

I was told by someone recently that I was effectively doing this all wrong. Verbatim… they were “disappointed” to see me “using such bad coping mechanisms”. This was said to hurt me for whatever reasons they decided were acceptable. Before I go on I want to make it clear that I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or take a side… as I had mine and my families best interest at heart in my reply. It’s added another sadness but one thing I can take strength from is that not everyone will get you in life. Equally the same in reverse…. I am not always going to get other people either. I think we get a little hung up on who we should be close to in life and sometimes this means we hang on to relationships way passed the point of it no longer being kind to them or yourself to try. It is sad in this case and Mum would not like it… but she would want both of us to live as happy a life as possible… with or without each others presence.

So the point of telling you that was so you had the back story… the what motivated my questioning posed in the title of this blog.

My Mum as I likely previously mentioned… was my biggest fan. She had a lot of struggles in her life but she was always happiest cheerleading one of her 4 kids on. Even if she felt that we were doing something the wrong or hard way… she would never actually tell you that. Her way was to suggest other ways to combat difficulties you found along the way. She let us learn (sometimes) the hard way. Failure was ok in her eyes because there was always something to learn from that…. a way to grow… a way to forge forward. It paid off… we’re all doing pretty good in our pursuits in life.

We didn’t always have a close relationship. For a long time I was living without contact with her due to the left over effects of my dad being a damaging force in my Mum and us kids lives growing up. I felt that she should have protected us… chosen us over him. This did not happen… but again this isn’t to make you feel any negativity. It was a childs view that I lived with for many years. I struggled to get past the effects of these experiences. I struggled to see the view points of others (in particular my Mum… who likely suffered the worst). I had to hit rock bottom and then climb back out from the hole of anxiety and depression. It took years of treatment and in some ways is an ongoing process even today. I forgave my Mum a long time ago but I don’t think she ever forgave herself. She covered herself well. She was an expert at showing the world only what she thought that person or group wanted to see. Including me a lot of the time. I on the other hand do not have that same ability. I am mostly still hiding from the world because this all so dramatic.

I would say the turning point for my Mum and I was when I graduated from University. The last couple of years in particular we had made great strides and had become much closer. She was so massively supportive of my Christian journey and we often talked about our own faith with each other. Her faith had suffered and in some writing of hers I found while clearing her house I found a passage in one of her writings that worded clearly what she had described to me over a few conversations. I believe that she may have never been able to feel his grace here on earth. If this is true then I can only feel happy that she has that peace now. I will always miss her and never be happy for myself and my kids that we have to now be without her until our times come… but there is some peace in there somewhere.

“There was once a girl that God forgot. She tried so hard to make things right. Balancing needs and heart and might. But this was the Girl that God forgot.

There was once a woman that God forgot. She loved so well, too well he said. This is the woman that man rejected… And God forgot.

This is the story of lost love….

A story of the nothing that God forgot.”

~ Chris Simms (undated)

So I think most people have some awareness of the term “5 stages of grief”. This term is what I Ecosia’d (the search engine I use… check it out… they plant trees!) when I had sufficiently tortured myself enough with the idea that I am doing this whole grief process wrong. Between that and searching my bible and praying in Jesus name to give me clarity and peace…. I came across a useful article in Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/supersurvivors/201707/why-the-five-stages-grief-are-wrong

Along with other sources and things I have realised about myself in the torture process. I have come to accept that the “emptiness” I feel now is simply the 5 stages of grief not bombarding me all at once which is what was happening for the first couple of weeks. This idea that they are clear cut and well ordered… is not my experience at all. The overwhelming nature of shock has to be factored in too. No one knew this was going to happen. There was no warning or last chance to say I love you. I can’t imagine that having warning makes it easier but I can imagine that the shock of it happening manifests differently.

Ultimately, we’re all different and I can’t think that it is possible to do grief wrong. There are things I do wrong but that is not one of them. Each person feels grief differently and that’s ok. Losing someone close to you is likely the hardest thing to live with. It’s something (like parenting; mental illness and other health problems) you can’t begin to know until it happens… even then each experience has differences because lets face it… if we were all the same life would be boring and there would be no forging for humanity.

I would like to leave you with a poem she identified with by one of her favourite poets…

To God

By Robert Herrick

Lord, I am like, to the mistletoe,

Which has no root and cannot grow

Or prosper, but by that same tree

It clings about: so I by thee.

What need I fear then to fear at all

So long as I about thee crawl?

But if that tree should fall and die,

Tumble shall heaven, and so downwill I.