My Mum Died

The title words are the hardest words to accept. In order to say or write it I have to somehow pretend to myself that its not real. My Mum dyeing is too massive a concept for my brain to completely register and it has taken 17 days to get to the place I can write this. 17 days I have lived without my Meems. 17 days I haven’t been able to see her smile; have a conversation; be comforted or share joy.

I honestly did not realise how big a part of my everyday existence my Meems was until she died. We haven’t had the easiest of relationships and I often felt on my guard with her. With that thing called hindsight though I realise it was the purest love and one of the strongest connections in my life. It’s going to take a long time (if ever) to heal that regret of not dissolving completely that barrier between us. The regret that I should have been here helping her move and therefore would have likely been with her when she died or even been able to get her to a hospital in time to be saved. I know I shouldn’t be even thinking these things as she would not be blaming me and she certainly hadn’t been asking me for my help. I certainly don’t know how possible it would have been to save her even.

Her existence the last couple of years had gradually declined in terms of her quality of life. She had many health conditions that imapcted her daily life and although all were not deemed life threatening… they were life altering. The day before she died she was at the hospital starting the process for getting a gastric band. She was always trying something for the symptoms of her ME and she made sure she was taking medication for her blood pressure and thyroid condition. She had arthritis too. She struggled with depression quite severly at many times over her life. All this would likely be a surprise to many as she always did her best to shine a positive attitude. She made people smile and feel listened to and cared about. She always did her best to see what people needed and if she could provide it she would. She worked hard for charities over the years and often in silence as she wasn’t interested in the accolade. I think she felt unworthy of it and yet now all I want is to make her proud from heaven. To learn her lessons and appreciate the gift of her. I only wish I could have shown her in life the appreciation I have for her.

At 58 I really don’t think anyone expects to lose their Mum. She had survived so much that would have broken a lesser person. She had survived through 4 amazing but definitely challenging children. She had survived 2 abusive relationships. She had survived the heartbreak of losing 9 miscarriages/still births. She had been watching the decline of her mothers health through Parkinsons. She had been the rock for many challenegs that her children had faced. She never demanded our time but appreciated every bit of time given. She constantly tried to see the best in people that most would turn their backs to.

We bury her in a woodland burial this week. The process to sort out a funeral has been a challenge. Because she wasn’t expected to die she had to have a post mortem. The coroner was not helpful at all and refused to contact us so we had to chace them every step of the way. Then because of a delay getting her new bed (I refuse to use the C word) she was stuck in the hospital for 2 weeks. The hospital made it difficult for us to get in to see her and the funeral director ended up stepping in and helped us get in to see her. There was a rush for those of us that wanted to see her because she is having a eco friendly burial… which means no embalming. Mother Nature waits for no one! We have been lucky though because she clearly had good genes and still looks pretty amazing. She looks at peace now that shes in her new bed, but in the hospital she didn’t look very comfortable and it really wasn’t the kind environment she deserves.

She was my first nail client when I trained to do nails and she was even my model in my exam. Yesterday I did her nails for the last time. I painted them her favourite red with a gold holographic sparkle to match her overwhelming Love. I have made the decision to not do nails for even friends and family anymore. The reason being is that Mum was such an inspiration and so supportive of my career in nails. I get my creativity from her and right now that has gone with her. It’s going to take time for me to open that space back up.

I am also realising that many of my relationships have been false ones because many have been caring and supportive until I couldn’t do their nails. Losing my Meems has simply confirmed that people don’t have to like me but they do have to respect me. Show no respect I walk away… simple. It’s not just people I had considered friends but I have really opened my eyes to some family members too. It’s surprising the people that didn’t bother with my Meems when she was alive. yet now she has died suddenly they NEED to know what happened? whens the funeral? and have the right to open invite anyone who may want to come and gawp at the devastation. Neighbours who although talked to her and sent a lovely card to the family… contributed to her being stuck in her home because they opposed her being able to park her car in a place close enough to her house for her to actually use it. If they cared so much where were they when she needed them? This is a question we all have asked ourselves but the people that (in my opinion) should be kept at arms length are the ones that will say… not my responsibility and yet want to get in a gawp all the same.
She taught us to live life fearlessly. If we want something… go get it! If we want to study something new… go do it! If life knocks us down… Roar back and forge forward! Love with our whole hearts and Look for the bigger picture! Value people not things! Be kind… it costs nothing and erks them haters! I’ll no doubt continue to struggle with some of this but I promised her yesterday I would do my broken hearted best.