I wish you all a scary Halloween! I think thats the appropriate greeting?! I like to keep my curtains open at night so I can see the stars if I wake up in the night and I can well imagine I will see a lot of lights left on in my street if Halloween is sufficiently scary for my neighbours. I don’t do scary films when I am on my own but I can read scary books. They tend to give me nightmares still but I love the feeling of being completely lost in a world thats unlike the world I live in… my imagination can run wild so I think thats why books work better for me. That being said I fully intend on watching Hocus Pocus after writing this.
With that in mind lets keep this short and terrifyingly, brutally, Loopily Laura truthful.
Today was a great day. I bet you werent’ expecting that?! Today is good only. I have a lot to be thankful for and today was one of them days that really highlighted that to me. I was nervous for today as I was set to meet up with a friend and her daughter to hang out in Coventry… hit the library and see what happens from there (yes, I know! wild child). I was nervous because going to Coventry poses a few issues for me. Getting there is quite a trek, and if my fibro decides its going to kick off and Mat isn’t around to swoop in and save the day then I don’t have a plan b. Then there’s the social anxiety that has been a larger issue than my fibro the majority of my life. I don’t really talk about that very often cause I don’t think I fully understood that it was that. Words like that seem to be used for the “clickbait” effect so much in our social lives that it somehow seems like it should be more manageable and of course I assumed that it would be something I could easily highlightand understand… like “oh yes I get super shy in front of groups of people… obviously I deal with socil anxiety” unfortunately it’s not that straightforward. I’ll maybe chat more about that some other time but for now I think you get the gyst. So yeah, I got to Coventry… wait for it… ON TIME… we then had an amazing day. I did talk about Mum but it was nice to talk about her. We did rhyme time at the library and went for lunch then went the Herbert Art Gallery then went to the Transport Museum. I even managed to fit in a trip to Waterstones and ordered a book with a voucher.
When we got home we ate and then my middle one took Isobel out trick or treating with his girlfriend. Isobel was exhausted after that and needed her bed. I spent some time with my son and his girlfriend which was super nice… they’re such good almost adults. I’m proud of them both and I am excited for their futures…. they deserve the very best that life has to offer. My oldest was off out with his friends tonight… I hope he gets in at a reasonable hour… Oh my! when did I get so old?!
It is day 3 without the hubs. We facetimed today which was great but I never facetime people usually… Just Mum. I would say I am doing ok generally. I am starting to feel happiness again. She is still constantly in the back of my mind and everything I do seems to have a connection to the loss of her. I find it really difficult to explain. I am thankful that not every waking moment takes my breath away with grief anymore but there are still moments, like seeing a facetime that isn’t her face, that do wind me slightly. I thought about her a lot today. I am thankful for the time I had with her and I am trying really hard to not focus on the things that a) I can’t change and b) make me really sad. Will that ever be second nature?
One of my go to songs when I sing my praises at the moment is Gracefully Broken (Matt Redman)… I really identify with it at the moment. Here’s a quote that particularly rises the power in my belly…
Your power at work in me
I’m broken gracefully
I’m strong when I am weak
I will be Free
I am at least feeling the Grace now… I am so blessed!
So today I was in need of a chill day. I was planning to go to Bedworth and take Little Miss to the park but I am going into town tomorrow instead and meeting a friend.
The 4 things I made sure I got done were…
Cleaning the bathroom
wash the remainder of the washing and put everything away
post a few of the items I am getting rid of online to sell
This blog post
I also managed to find time to remove the nails I had on that were well passed sell by. I currently have naked nails for the first time since I was pregnant I think. I sorted a bit more out in Isobels room too. I’m determined to get this house straightened out.
I started reading Friend Request by Laura Marshall last night. It seems like it will be alright so far but I have only read the first couple of chapters so far. Will let y’all know what I think of it when I have done with it.
Day 2 and Baby Bel woke me at 6:40am. I really don’t do mornings very well at all! She originally woke up at 4:15am but I just brought her into bed with me and we enjoyed snuggles and a couple more hours snoozing. I am blessed really… that is early but at least its fairly reasonable still… we’ll see what tomorrow brings.
Today’s Top 4 To Do’s…
Sort out the back log of rubbish and recycling… I’m sure there are people living here that I haven’t met yet with the amount of rubbish and washing there is constantly!
Tidy up my own room (my plan was to do this when Miss Bel was having a nap but that was not to be so I ended up doing just a quick clean after she went to bed)
This one it was a tie between the washing and cleaning the fridge out… The fridge was the most desperate so that gone and quite a bit of the washing got done too… thanks to a nose bleed from Little Miss that forced the bedding to have to be stripped down and washed.
Blog 2….
I promised myself a couple of things for while Mat was away… 1) To do what I can and not beat myself up for what doesn’t get done, 2) Enjoy as much as I can. So far I have kept that up and although my pain levels have crept up to an 8 this evening, my satisfaction level is at a 12 so its all good!
Mat usually does most of the cooking so today was the first day in quite a while that I did all 3 meals of the day. I was nervous because I didn’t want to make awful food but I didn’t do to bad. I genuinely forget that I did everything on my own for 8 years… I am actually quite capable! Surprise! I made just a simple creamy pasta with garlic, mushrooms, onions and spring onions and garlic bread on the side. It could have done with some colour though.
Isobel enjoyed playing with this block that has coloured pegs that she matches to the right colours and reading her books and of course going up and down the stairs and watching Hey Duggee. I will be taking her out of the house tomorrow hopefully.
I’m off to read for a bit before I sleep. I finished a book yesterday and I think I am going to read a book I have read a few times before… The Keep by F. Paul Wilson or maybe Friend Request by Laura Marshall.
Soooo a little background for tonight’s blog post. For those that have read my first blog post (Hi its me! pub: 1/7/18) you will know that I am married with 3 kids. What I don’t think I mentioned is that my 2 older children are from previous relationship. I was single for 8 years between the relationship with my boys biological and my hubs. In that time I was independant. My Nan lived nearby and did what she could to support me but otherwise I was on my own with my 2 boys. My Mum lived 100 miles away so she was phone support where she could be. The boys grandparents stayed in touch and although we had some rough times we eventually figured it out and had a great relationship from then on. In fact, they were invited to my wedding and they are even kind enough to help out with visiting my Nan now that she is in a home with not a lot of people around to visit. It was a hard period of my life for all the obvious single Mum reasons plus I had a lot of mental health issues that I had to seek treatment for and unknowingly I had fibromyalgia too.
So that leads me to todays blog post flavour. Mat left for America this morning. It’s a work trip that he will be gone for a week. It is officially the longest we will have been away from each other since I moved to Coventry in 2011. Obviously I was away for the best part of 3 weeks when Mum died last month but it wasn’t a solid block of time that I didn’t see him for and I was backwards and forwards a bit as I couldn’t be away from my kids for that long without forgetting I had a reason to live. If it isn’t clear Mat is not just any husband. He is, apart from all that soppy stuff I should say like… he’s my best friend… soul mate… my reflection in the water etc. etc. (I don’t have to say it for it to be true), the best team mate. In a nut shell… he is a true equal.
It’s gonna be tough effectively going back to being a lone parent for a week, but, I have promised myself I am going to blog everyday. Effectively, this blog will be my hubs for the week. Plus, if I don’t get to speak to Mat much over the week then at least he will have this to read when he is awake and I am asleep across the other side of the world. A few thousand miles won’t stop him from knowing about our days.
Day 1
So each day I list 3-4 things that I must achieve that day. This helps me keep focused and a lot of the time I get more than them things done but at least I don’t beat myself up too much on days that I don’t get anything more done. Today’s 4 were… To finish the book I was reading (A Murder of Magpies by Mark Edwards); Get through the huge pile of washing up (normally a hubs job); Do a food plan and online food shop; Do my day 1 blog post… I am exhausted from being poorly earlier on in the week and the last couple of days have been busy so I have only really done one load of washing and obviously focused on playing with Isobel (it’s a hard old life). I also wanted to get Isobel bathed and her rat tail hair thoroughly brushed but she wanted her bed before I had the chance to do that so that will have to be a job for tomorrow. I didn’t have to leave the house today (other than to walk the dog which I did in my pj’s with my nice big warm coat over the top). I’m hoping I have a little more energy tomorrow to get a little more done. Anyway, it’s 9:15… way passed my bedtime!
So anyone who has read my previous blog post, or indeed, knows me in real life, knows that my Mum died recently (19th September 2018). The last 4 weeks have been the craziest; saddest; angriest; loneliest; emptiest and most broken time of my life. I don’t see that changing anytime soon… but I hope and pray that I will learn to mimic a substantial life again soon. “fake it til you make it” is the idea.
Before I continue… Everything below is my truth… my opinion and not to be taken as others opinions or thoughts. There are sections where I discuss my view of my Mums life… A lot of which she has not said and is obviously not able to confirm or deny. It’s dodgy ground to talk about but I hope that reading my innermost thoughts in this time of grief may help someone else through. My mum sacrificed herself for others many times and I feel confident that she would be ok with me sharing… but again I can’t know for sure until I hopefully make it through the gates of heaven and she either greets me with a slap or smile.
I was told by someone recently that I was effectively doing this all wrong. Verbatim… they were “disappointed” to see me “using such bad coping mechanisms”. This was said to hurt me for whatever reasons they decided were acceptable. Before I go on I want to make it clear that I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or take a side… as I had mine and my families best interest at heart in my reply. It’s added another sadness but one thing I can take strength from is that not everyone will get you in life. Equally the same in reverse…. I am not always going to get other people either. I think we get a little hung up on who we should be close to in life and sometimes this means we hang on to relationships way passed the point of it no longer being kind to them or yourself to try. It is sad in this case and Mum would not like it… but she would want both of us to live as happy a life as possible… with or without each others presence.
So the point of telling you that was so you had the back story… the what motivated my questioning posed in the title of this blog.
My Mum as I likely previously mentioned… was my biggest fan. She had a lot of struggles in her life but she was always happiest cheerleading one of her 4 kids on. Even if she felt that we were doing something the wrong or hard way… she would never actually tell you that. Her way was to suggest other ways to combat difficulties you found along the way. She let us learn (sometimes) the hard way. Failure was ok in her eyes because there was always something to learn from that…. a way to grow… a way to forge forward. It paid off… we’re all doing pretty good in our pursuits in life.
We didn’t always have a close relationship. For a long time I was living without contact with her due to the left over effects of my dad being a damaging force in my Mum and us kids lives growing up. I felt that she should have protected us… chosen us over him. This did not happen… but again this isn’t to make you feel any negativity. It was a childs view that I lived with for many years. I struggled to get past the effects of these experiences. I struggled to see the view points of others (in particular my Mum… who likely suffered the worst). I had to hit rock bottom and then climb back out from the hole of anxiety and depression. It took years of treatment and in some ways is an ongoing process even today. I forgave my Mum a long time ago but I don’t think she ever forgave herself. She covered herself well. She was an expert at showing the world only what she thought that person or group wanted to see. Including me a lot of the time. I on the other hand do not have that same ability. I am mostly still hiding from the world because this all so dramatic.
I would say the turning point for my Mum and I was when I graduated from University. The last couple of years in particular we had made great strides and had become much closer. She was so massively supportive of my Christian journey and we often talked about our own faith with each other. Her faith had suffered and in some writing of hers I found while clearing her house I found a passage in one of her writings that worded clearly what she had described to me over a few conversations. I believe that she may have never been able to feel his grace here on earth. If this is true then I can only feel happy that she has that peace now. I will always miss her and never be happy for myself and my kids that we have to now be without her until our times come… but there is some peace in there somewhere.
“There was once a girl that God forgot. She tried so hard to make things right. Balancing needs and heart and might. But this was the Girl that God forgot.
There was once a woman that God forgot. She loved so well, too well he said. This is the woman that man rejected… And God forgot.
This is the story of lost love….
A story of the nothing that God forgot.”
~ Chris Simms (undated)
So I think most people have some awareness of the term “5 stages of grief”. This term is what I Ecosia’d (the search engine I use… check it out… they plant trees!) when I had sufficiently tortured myself enough with the idea that I am doing this whole grief process wrong. Between that and searching my bible and praying in Jesus name to give me clarity and peace…. I came across a useful article in Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/supersurvivors/201707/why-the-five-stages-grief-are-wrong
Along with other sources and things I have realised about myself in the torture process. I have come to accept that the “emptiness” I feel now is simply the 5 stages of grief not bombarding me all at once which is what was happening for the first couple of weeks. This idea that they are clear cut and well ordered… is not my experience at all. The overwhelming nature of shock has to be factored in too. No one knew this was going to happen. There was no warning or last chance to say I love you. I can’t imagine that having warning makes it easier but I can imagine that the shock of it happening manifests differently.
Ultimately, we’re all different and I can’t think that it is possible to do grief wrong. There are things I do wrong but that is not one of them. Each person feels grief differently and that’s ok. Losing someone close to you is likely the hardest thing to live with. It’s something (like parenting; mental illness and other health problems) you can’t begin to know until it happens… even then each experience has differences because lets face it… if we were all the same life would be boring and there would be no forging for humanity.
I would like to leave you with a poem she identified with by one of her favourite poets…
The title words are the hardest words to accept. In order to say or write it I have to somehow pretend to myself that its not real. My Mum dyeing is too massive a concept for my brain to completely register and it has taken 17 days to get to the place I can write this. 17 days I have lived without my Meems. 17 days I haven’t been able to see her smile; have a conversation; be comforted or share joy.
I honestly did not realise how big a part of my everyday existence my Meems was until she died. We haven’t had the easiest of relationships and I often felt on my guard with her. With that thing called hindsight though I realise it was the purest love and one of the strongest connections in my life. It’s going to take a long time (if ever) to heal that regret of not dissolving completely that barrier between us. The regret that I should have been here helping her move and therefore would have likely been with her when she died or even been able to get her to a hospital in time to be saved. I know I shouldn’t be even thinking these things as she would not be blaming me and she certainly hadn’t been asking me for my help. I certainly don’t know how possible it would have been to save her even.
Her existence the last couple of years had gradually declined in terms of her quality of life. She had many health conditions that imapcted her daily life and although all were not deemed life threatening… they were life altering. The day before she died she was at the hospital starting the process for getting a gastric band. She was always trying something for the symptoms of her ME and she made sure she was taking medication for her blood pressure and thyroid condition. She had arthritis too. She struggled with depression quite severly at many times over her life. All this would likely be a surprise to many as she always did her best to shine a positive attitude. She made people smile and feel listened to and cared about. She always did her best to see what people needed and if she could provide it she would. She worked hard for charities over the years and often in silence as she wasn’t interested in the accolade. I think she felt unworthy of it and yet now all I want is to make her proud from heaven. To learn her lessons and appreciate the gift of her. I only wish I could have shown her in life the appreciation I have for her.
At 58 I really don’t think anyone expects to lose their Mum. She had survived so much that would have broken a lesser person. She had survived through 4 amazing but definitely challenging children. She had survived 2 abusive relationships. She had survived the heartbreak of losing 9 miscarriages/still births. She had been watching the decline of her mothers health through Parkinsons. She had been the rock for many challenegs that her children had faced. She never demanded our time but appreciated every bit of time given. She constantly tried to see the best in people that most would turn their backs to.
We bury her in a woodland burial this week. The process to sort out a funeral has been a challenge. Because she wasn’t expected to die she had to have a post mortem. The coroner was not helpful at all and refused to contact us so we had to chace them every step of the way. Then because of a delay getting her new bed (I refuse to use the C word) she was stuck in the hospital for 2 weeks. The hospital made it difficult for us to get in to see her and the funeral director ended up stepping in and helped us get in to see her. There was a rush for those of us that wanted to see her because she is having a eco friendly burial… which means no embalming. Mother Nature waits for no one! We have been lucky though because she clearly had good genes and still looks pretty amazing. She looks at peace now that shes in her new bed, but in the hospital she didn’t look very comfortable and it really wasn’t the kind environment she deserves.
She was my first nail client when I trained to do nails and she was even my model in my exam. Yesterday I did her nails for the last time. I painted them her favourite red with a gold holographic sparkle to match her overwhelming Love. I have made the decision to not do nails for even friends and family anymore. The reason being is that Mum was such an inspiration and so supportive of my career in nails. I get my creativity from her and right now that has gone with her. It’s going to take time for me to open that space back up.
I am also realising that many of my relationships have been false ones because many have been caring and supportive until I couldn’t do their nails. Losing my Meems has simply confirmed that people don’t have to like me but they do have to respect me. Show no respect I walk away… simple. It’s not just people I had considered friends but I have really opened my eyes to some family members too. It’s surprising the people that didn’t bother with my Meems when she was alive. yet now she has died suddenly they NEED to know what happened? whens the funeral? and have the right to open invite anyone who may want to come and gawp at the devastation. Neighbours who although talked to her and sent a lovely card to the family… contributed to her being stuck in her home because they opposed her being able to park her car in a place close enough to her house for her to actually use it. If they cared so much where were they when she needed them? This is a question we all have asked ourselves but the people that (in my opinion) should be kept at arms length are the ones that will say… not my responsibility and yet want to get in a gawp all the same. She taught us to live life fearlessly. If we want something… go get it! If we want to study something new… go do it! If life knocks us down… Roar back and forge forward! Love with our whole hearts and Look for the bigger picture! Value people not things! Be kind… it costs nothing and erks them haters! I’ll no doubt continue to struggle with some of this but I promised her yesterday I would do my broken hearted best.
