Invisible

Heyyyyy yoooooo!

So this week during my obsession with TED on YouTube I came across a talk by Kalina Silverman about a concept she has called “Big Talk”. Essentially she says that in order to not feel lonely we should skip the “small talk”. She illustrates this idea with a video she made while studying. In the video she asks people “What do you want to do before you die?” followed by “If you were going to die tomorrow what would you do with your last day?” to complete strangers in the street! I’m pretty sure my Loopy ass would not be getting the responses she got, but her point hit home big style!

At this point I am now wondering why on earth doing this blog essentially about my truth was a good idea. Every week I seem to end up terrified while writing, scared that all this sharing my thoughts and feelings might be too much. Yet, I keep writing. That maybe, it’s too personal; yet, I keep writing. Why would anyone be interested or heck, inspired?! Yet, I keep writing. I keep posting. I am compelled to keep going and keep taking inspiration from people like Kalina Silverman. So here it is…

St. Giles Church is now without a Vicar. As of yesterday he and his lovely wife are onto their next chapter. It’s so exciting for them and probably a whole bunch of other emotions attached. For me, it has brought about an inner turmoil that I have struggled to contain. I can’t honestly believe that this emotional leaking is down to our Vicar leaving. I mean, don’t get me wrong he was welcoming to the church and he ran the Emmaus course and was present when I was Confirmed and of course he baptised my daughter.

He was present and guiding in some of the most special moments of my life. However, I am always in the background at church and even after nearly 2 years of going there are people surprised by this. The majority of the time this isn’t a problem; I am there to worship and be as active and purposeful a Christian as I can. I also know that there are a few that know my face and individually do seem to like me, but that didn’t stop me from feeling like the odd one out. Everyone around us had big groups of fellow church-goers that they are friends with and they were all smiling and hugging and sharing stories with each other. When the service started that whole part of the congregation clearly had a mutual connection with our Vicar. That is where I fall down…. all I wanted was to be part of that. I fooled myself into thinking I had done enough to be a part of that. I volunteer for everything I can and I always do my best to talk to people; the reality is though for some reason I find it difficult to make meaningful friendships in most situations. In most areas of my life I’m more than happy with that, as I have exactly what I need in life. At church I feel a drive to try to overcome this difficulty, so when these things happen and I realise I am still on the outside it makes me want to hide away, and I did. I went home to be with the ones that I don’t have to work so hard to be included with.  I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing at the time but I think it was. Being around my hubs and kids heals me and reminds me whats important. I’ll figure my mental stuff out at some point but for now I just need to take comfort from my family and the bible.

Much Love and Inspiration,

Loopy Laura xx

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